חברה והשקפה
Why can’t I marry him?
- ב' סיון התשפ"ג
שאלה
Hey,I’m writing in English so that it’s easier to express how I feel. About a year ago, I met a guy who completely understands me and makes me feel alive, and challenges me to become a better person. However, he’s not Jewish. Of course we discussed our future and how I’d likely live my life raising a Jewish family because it is very important to me. And to my surprise, he was thinking about converting to Judaism because he was inspired by his friend before he met me. He said that because he was raised with no faith he was always looking for God in his life, but he was disappointed when his friend told him there was no chance he can convert. Once he met me, we found that there was a possibility, and he started his giyur with a Rabbi. The one problem was that my father would never accept him and threatened to disown me if I continued to see him. Of course, because my father was calling me horrible things and hurting my feelings, it motivates me more to go out with my boyfriend and consider eloping with him. One day, my father and I had a deep conversation, and I heard my neshama tell me it’s just not the right time to continue this relationship right now with my whole family dynamic falling apart. I decided to break up with him, and we both knew it was for the best. But rabbi, I don’t think our story is over. I feel him thinking about me everyday and my heart aches at the thought that I gave up on him so soon. If my father accepted him, I think this could be a beautiful story. Do you think it will be right if we take a break and he chooses to convert anyway? Will it be halachic ally allowed for me to marry him? Becuase I think I will.
תשובה
To the Questioner,
That sounds like a very overwhelming challenge you just went through - to have to choose between someone who you feel really understands you and your family.
It is amazing and praiseworthy that you were able to make that decision to separate right now.
I do not have any idea where you are writing from or how old the boy you were dating is - but in general, it might be a good idea for you to get a message to him, that if he is able to complete his gairus with an Orthodox Bet Din, it might be best that he then come to study at a Yeshiva in Israel for a year (like Aish in the Old City).
Once he has proven that he can grow in a mature and sincere way in his knowledge and practice of Judaism, it would probably not be a problem for him to date you and marry you at that time. There is even a good chance that at that point, when he is a changed person and has an established Jewish identity, that your father would accept him (again, I'm am writing this answer with no knowledge of the details of your situation).
If you do choose this plan of action, probably better not to share it with your father at this moment, only later on (3/4 of a yr - yr.) when the boy has proven his own conviction for Judaism and has grown.
May Hashem grant you the strength that you need.
Rav Nachum at Hidabroot
להרחבה ושאלות נוספות, ניתן לפנות אל רבני שו"ת הידברות במייל rav2@htv.co.il