לגדל ילד עם נשמה - סלובי יונגרייז וולף HD

I was born upon the ashes of the Holocaust my father lost his entire family his father his mother sisters brothers aunts uncles grandparents cousins an entire family lost my mother somehow survived along with her brothers and parents but they too lost grandparents aunts uncles cousins growing up I hardly had any family but one thing I did have and that was very strong roots and I understood that when my grandparents came to this country they had a choice and this is a choice that each and every one of us has and most of us will have to face in life and that is this when you go through

darkness and when you go through challenge when you go through loss and when you go through difficulty how will I react will I become a better person or will I become a bitter person will I choose to sit in the darkness or will I choose to Kindle a light and illuminate and so this is how we grew up wherever you go in life never allow yourself to sit in darkness always Kindle the light bring blessing to everybody that you know and so my grandparents penniless having lost everything not knowing the language started to build again and the first thing that they did was they began a day school a

yeshiva because they had left Hungary and they they had seen a physical Holocaust they came to America and here they saw a spiritual holocaust my grandfather would walk through the streets of Brooklyn where he lived he had a long white beard a black hat a black coat it would be in middle of August and he would walk around and children would point to him and they would laugh and they would say look Santa Claus in town and it's August they had never seen a rabbi before we grew up understanding that roots are so crucial because if we don't know where we've come from then we don't know where we

are going we grew up knowing that wherever life takes you illuminate never curse the darkness never become angry and so around 25 years ago I began to teach a group of young couples who were just starting out in life and they asked me is there anything that Torah has to say about raising children I looked at them for a moment and I said are you kidding Torah has everything to say that was almost 20 25 years ago and you know what we are still studying because it's never over it's never over I wrote a book based on our classes called raising a child with soul as I toured the country America I'd

like to share with you what I have found I have found children who have more than we have ever dreamed of they have Playstations and game boys and American Girl dolls and tennis courts in their backyard Rock Climbing Walls all types of gadgets and still they come up to their parents and say I'm so bored there's nothing to do in this house there's nothing to eat in this house we have applause we have taken our children to places we never even dreamed about as children trips to Israel jeeping swimming with dolphins canoeing rafting Disneyland amusement parks but I have never seen so many

unhappy children in fact I don't know if you've ever been in Disney do you want to see the most unhappiest children wait online at Disney and if you cannot be happy and Disney My dear child I don't know where you'll be happy let's talk about what's going on with communication with our children we can communicate anywhere even from an airplane and yet we have stopped speaking to each other The Wall Street Journal calls our homes the dead zone because when mom or dad come home at night it's dead nobody speaks to each other everybody's doing this I was in my community walking and I saw such a

nice sight I see a mother a father and a stroller and I say to myself isn't this nice whoever takes walks with their babies what a nice sight and as I get closer I see the mothers on her phone the father's on his phone and guess what the two-year-old is on his own phone so we stopped speaking to each other we are completely disconnected go to a restaurant what's the first thing everybody does you take out your phone you put it on the table and you're not even looking at the person across the room from you completely disconnected what else do we find with our children we are raising one of the

most selfish generations to ever live what type of pictures do our children take they're called selfies did you ever growing up take a picture of yourself how do you do that who even thought of this our kids don't even know how to take pictures of other people it's all of ourselves how arrogant are we growing impatient you don't even go to a store anymore and wait your turn online you just go home turn on the computer you order it's there if you can't even wait online that means that nobody is in front of you nobody comes before you you are always number one and the hutzpah need i say more

the hutzpah the disrespect is incredible I have stories on file of hutzpah that parents send me the other day I was waiting in a dentist office with my kids a teacher that I know was sitting across from me we were speaking her teenage son comes out and he says let's go MA and she says well I'm speaking to mrs. wolf he snaps in her face I said let's go hutzpah and she's a teacher in a yeshiva I did not fly across the world to speak to you today about manners manners are so easy to teach our children this is how you say please and this is how you say thank you and this is how you answer the

phone and this is how you use a fork and a knife I am here today to speak about character raising a child with soul that's the name of my book and in every single chapter we cover the wisdom of Torah how to give discipline to children how to teach gratitude how to raise children who care compassionate children children with priorities children with derech Eretz with awe and respect you see the Torah's wisdom is timeless it is forever it is immutable and it is true if you would go to a store now to a bookshop and you would say give me a book on parenting you would buy the book you would read

the book and then you would let your baby cry and you would do all the things it says in the book and two years later you go into the same shop and you'd pick up another book and the book would say you let your baby cry oh my god do you know what kind of therapy this child's going to need but the wisdom of Torah is forever it never changes so today today we are going to discover together the wisdom of Torah as we raise our children with soul every Friday night women all over the world light Shabbos candles and when we do we close our eyes and we make a prayer and we say zucchini lick God l

Bunyan privilege me almighty god to raise children because it is a privilege to raise children to bring a neshama to bring a soul into this world is a privilege Sakhi nila god l by name privilege me to raise children but what type of children it's not enough just to bring a child into this world unshaped M s children who stand for truth for kindness for goodness for sensitivity a child who whether I am in the room or not this child does the right thing this child stands for what's right values character roots honesty ms said kindness we spend so much time as parents speaking about what our

children will wear the type of car we're going to buy the type of stroller where they're going to go to school where they're going to go to camp where we will vacation how often do mother and father sit down and say what are we going to do about our daughter's character what are we going to do about our son who seems to be jealous what are we going to do because this child is a little bit hutzpah dick disrespectful how are we going to possibly teach character and neshama soul to our children we have a window and that window is very small and once children get older they stop listening as well

they stop seeing as well because they think that they know better so today let us discuss together how to reach our children's neshama their souls how to ray how to raise a child with soul where do we begin the foundation of every home there's a physical foundation when you build a home and you check it and you make sure it's solid and you make sure there are no cracks just as there is a physical foundation there must be a spiritual foundation and what is the spiritual foundation of every home in Hebrew in Judaism we say icarus hatov icarus ative means appreciation in attitude of gratitude to

raise children with appreciation for who is in their life for what they have for every moment for the time that we have together an attitude of gratitude now let me ask you something why do you think it is so difficult for children today to have this attitude of gratitude why is it that nothing is ever good enough why is it that there are so many angry kids out there whatever you get them you get a stomachache because you know that somehow somebody will not be happy whether it's dinner at night a trip a game a toy an outfit there's always somebody crying somebody in a bad mood somebody go

into their room and then you say you know what if that's how it is I'm not going to do it again for you don't have to come next time and there's such a bad feeling in the home why why are they so unhappy why is such a lack of appreciation where does it begin I saw this problem many years ago when I made a special party for my little girl now she's a married mommy of children thank God when she was just a little child I made an arts-and-crafts party for her in a local shop at the end of the party all the little girls left and I noticed there's hooks on the wall and on the hooks there must have

been around six seven eight coats and I say to the owner I say to him I'm so sorry I guess we'll have to wait because the parents are going to come back and pick up their children's coats do you know what he said to me no no nobody comes back I have in the basement a huge bag of coats they just buy another one and you know what he was right nobody came back we live in a disposable society you lose a sweatshirt stop crying we will get another one we spoke this morning about children who go to camp with trunks full of clothing they come back you can lift it with a pinky did you ever go to a

school at the end of the year and see the lost and found baseball caps sweatshirts balls jackets hats gloves scarves you could close village and nobody comes back to claim it and what we teach our children is that we live in a disposable society where everything is replaceable and when everything is replaceable we stop appreciating what we have and after a while not only things are replaceable but people become replaceable and we stopped cherishing and appreciating the people in our lives because nothing has value anymore our children have stopped appreciating what they have and they have

stopped appreciating the parents in their lives because we keep replacing and things are cheap and so children grow very arrogant and entitled you that's for supper suppers not ready you got me that did you ever drive a carpool were you ever late for a carpool how do children get into the car mom you're 10 minutes late we're waiting here how many children say thank you did you ever fly with children on a plane how many children say thank you when they're served a drink a snack how often do you sit in a restaurant and the kids are just playing with the food and making a huge mess who says

thank you to the server let me ask you something is a thank you so crucial to a child's character or is it just manners as we spoke now everything that we discussed today is going to be based on tourist wisdom and Torah tells us something incredible every morning when you and I wake up there are two words that must be the first words that come out of our mouths and what are those two words mode what does modeh ani mean i thank you i thank you god for my day and do you know why this is so crucial because when i wake up in the morning the first thing that i must do is focus i must have a

compass that points me into this direction of attitude of gratitude some people wake up in the morning and I know people like this I'm sure you do too not anyone in this room they wake up and the first thought is I now what's my problem again I can't I can't I can't handle my life Torah teaches us the first words out of our mouths every single day modeh ani I thank you God for my life I am given this gift of life and now I must make the most out of my day attitude of gratitude and once I have it I am able to transmit it to my children you see when we parent our children we parent ourselves in

vain do I want to raise a happy child if I am miserable in vain do I want to raise a child who has gratitude if I'm a blamer and complainer so one of the first rules I give parents is look in the mirror would you want to wake up to yourself what do your children see when they see your face in the morning what do they hear attitude of gratitude modeh ani does not only mean I thank you Modell's honey means I need Moda I admit now here's the key to humility you see I admit God that without your gift of life I'm helpless I have nothing I need you God and that means that I am humbled how can I

possibly be arrogant if I need you so when we teach children to say thank you it's not only saying thank you it's saying mom thank you I need you daddy thank you I couldn't do this without you the first step in teaching children humility is to teach them to say thank you so the next time you say to your child do you want some sneakers sweetie and they go whatever should I make you some macaroni fine it's not fine it's not whatever thank you thank you it's not mom you have to drive me to soccer practice dad you have to take me to school I have to mommy can you please drive me daddy can you

please take me thank you and if I don't teach it to this child they will just grow more and more entitled and arrogant and this one I love mom you owe me $20 I owe you I owe you $20 one second I gave life to you but do you know what we do we say oh my gosh you are right and I don't have changed what are we doing so we must teach our children this attitude of gratitude and it begins by saying thank you thank you mommy and thank you daddy now how do we begin to do that number one number one we learned from the Torah that we must have an appreciation of the people in our lives and we learned

this from Moses we all know the story of Moses when it came to the ten plagues and it came to the first plague of blood of dumb God said to Moses you cannot hit the nile river your brother Aaron must do know why because when you were a baby Moses you were in a basket and the basket was placed in the river and the river saved your life so you cannot hit the river because you must have an attitude of gratitude now let me ask you something we're all intelligence here we're all adults does the river feel the river knows the difference if Moses hits or not doesn't make sense but God was not

concerned God was not concerned with the feelings of the river God was concerned with the character of Moses you must learn this attitude of gratitude and yes the river was flowing anyway so what's the big deal did the river go out of its way no but tor is teaching us the most crucial of parenting lessons yes the river was supposed to flow and yes the bus driver is supposed to drive and the teacher is supposed to teach and mommy is supposed to be there for you and have dinner for you and have a loving home for you and daddy is supposed to be there for you and study with you and take you to

football or soccer but that my child does not mean that you do not have a right and responsibility to say thank you thank you to the teacher and thank you to the bus driver and thank you to the security guard and thank you to mom and thank you too dad lesson number one of parenting to open up our children's eyes to those in their lives that they take for granted it's crucial for a child's character appreciation also comes when we teach our children to appreciate time how often do we say of ten minutes to kill a child could sit for hours playing a video game do you know what that is time is

such a precious gift I wanted to tell you something when I was a little girl I had his ad Zadie was so beautiful he had a long white beard whenever he would look at me his eyes would get moist because I was named for his mother who had been killed in the Holocaust he had so much love I never heard an angry voice an angry word and every Saturday night we had a tradition the cousins would get together in our home and after we would play and run around a little bit my Zadie would do this give a little bang so everyone would be quiet and then he would make a blessing and he would say Shahada I

knew Vicki Manu Higa new laws Mun I said thank you Almighty God for bringing me to this time and then I remember my Sadie would cry and I remember being a little girl and saying why is my Zadie crying like this is so weird what's there to cry about with cousins getting together on a Saturday night but now that I am a mother and thank God a grandmother myself I understand the tears because children go in different directions so quickly and you want so badly to hold on to that time I could never have imagined I could never have imagined walking my sons and my daughter down the Koopa and my

father's place would be empty what I would not give what I would not give for one more blessing one more kiss for my father one more time to just hold his hand one more dance time is so precious and we must teach our children to appreciate the gift of time being in a family is a privilege and we must open their eyes to teach our children an attitude of gratitude the third way is when both mother and father show appreciation to each other do you know that there are some children who grow up and never hear parents say thank you to each other because we take each other for granted so how would

it be possible that our children not take us for granted my husband is here in the audience and every Friday night he gives me a gift and I'd like to acknowledge that no matter who is in our home guests or not when the meal is over in front of our children my husband says thank you for a most beautiful Shabbos now let me ask you something would I do the shop is any way could it ever be that I say listen guys I wasn't in the mood today so there's just no Shabbos of course I'm making Shabbos but to hear appreciation means that you don't take your spouse and your family for granted so if we want

children to appreciate us then as husbands and wives we must express this appreciation for each other so the next time you take your children out to buy sneakers or clothing or stuff for camp take out your cell phone and do something good with it put them on their phone have them dial your husband and say thank you daddy because I know you're making this possible thank you mommy because you are taking me and I know you're making this possible we must open our children's eyes so that they don't grow in titled and when it comes to gratitude my friends we must see parenting as a privilege and a

gift we have stopped seeing our world as a world full of color and it says if we see it in black and white okay how fast can we get them into bed do homework get them to eat and we have it we call it a night because we're tired we're stressed but we lose the beauty of the moment we must resolve today when we leave here to see life with an eye in tove with a good eye a positive eye parenting with the positive eye it's not just to get through the day do you know what you and I are doing we are raising the next generation of Amish rel of the Jewish people and how they see our God and our faith

how they see kindness and empathy and sensitivity all begins with us and if I see the world with the positive eye then so too will my children and I learned this when I first got married I will tell you something very personal and I have my husband's permission so thank god he's here my husband comes from San Paulo Brazil and when we first got married believe it or not we conversed in Hebrew because he did not speak a great English thank God he does today and I certainly did not speak Portuguese so after the wedding my husband said to me in his little English so now we go to Brazil for nine

months and we stay three months in America and I said what are you talking about you said nine months in America and three months in Brazil a little miscommunication so I travel with my husband to Brazil and I'll tell you the truth I was very happily married but miserable in Brazil everyone tried I even taught in the school a little he told me after that he got me the position without telling me but it wasn't home so my husband said I have a wonderful idea how about if someone from the family comes and visits I said good great nobody wanted to come finally one person in the family said I will

come and who said she will come my grandmother mama now mama was this hi mama did not speak good English mama had a second a cane and nobody started up with my mama mama said she will come to Brazil and she did and I could not wait for mama because I could not wait for Mama to say to me I I feel so bad for you how do you do this you are so fabulous so I go to the airport and I wait and here comes mama and we get in the car and I'm waiting to hear and I hear mama say yeah yeah is Hungarian for Wow mama says yo and I say what mama and mama says yo look at the trees I say the trees mama says yo

are these palm trees I say yeah I I've never seen such beautiful trees in my life slava hon allah you are so lucky to be here and I look at her and she says ah now I can die and I learned a lesson that day a big lesson and the lesson is to see the trees because we all have choices in life every one of us sitting in this room we have braja we have blessing and we have challenges and we can either choose to see the challenges and say I can't I can't I can't or we could say I have blessing look at the trees what a life modeh ani thank you Almighty God for this life attitude of gratitude number

one number two we would want to teach our children compassion yes said who doesn't want to raise a compassionate child let me ask you something and answer in your mind and in your heart when was the very last time that you saw your child be compassionate not for a friend not for somebody he or she likes but to feel the pain of another to be sensitive for another when was the last time even for a child to give a chair for another did you ever see a parent say to a child maybe you know stand up and give your seat I should stand up and give my seat compassion to feel pain what does the Torah

tell us about teaching children pain when Moses was a little child he grew up in the palace of Pharaoh and the Torah gives us such a beautiful lesson it says vyak doll Hanna and the boy grew and he went out to see his brethren and then it says again that he grew and her sages asked us how is it that Moses grew twice ah they just teach us the first time he grew he grew in years but he had a choice and the choice was I can either stay in my palace and be comfortable because what does it do for me to go out and see the pain of my brothers and sisters or I can choose to go out and see the pain

and then it says by Adele and he grew he grew as a human being do you want to know how to raise a gut dole a great child teach your child to feel the pain of another I learned this from my very own child when my daughter was just 4 or 5 years old we were new in my community and she didn't have friends and so I said to her you know what Shane D I'm going to get a class list and you can choose any girl from the class to invite over and she chose a little girl whose name was Sara Leia and I called up Sara Leia's mommy and she was so happy and she said I will send my daughter to your house

tomorrow the next day the little school bus comes my daughter Shane D gets out of the bus off comes the bus monitor and she says to me good luck I say good luck who says good luck for a playdate and then comes this little girl she's sucking her thumb she can hardly walk and the whole time she's just clutching my daughter's shirt for two hours this is the playdate and I'm thinking to myself what is my daughter thinking the little girl leaves and I call my daughter into the room and I say to her Shane D sweetie mommy wants to just talk to you for a minute is Sara layer your friend honey and she

says to me no mommy Sara Leia has no friends and I say to her well do you play with Sara Lee in school maybe and she says to me no mommy sir Aleeah she doesn't know how to play so sweetie why did you invite Sarah Leia over Oh mommy she says every day Maura calls out names who is going to go to who's home and everyday Cyril a a Christ because Mora never calls her name mommy I just did once earlier to cry anymore I just didn't want her to cry that's what we call a gut doll that's what we call great if you have a child who is talented who is popular it's not enough for a child to get an A+ or do

well on exams say to that child you must be a Moshe when you are captain of the football team when you are sitting on a bus and everyone is sitting together there is a girl in the back that nobody says how are you come sit here there is a boy on the field and nobody picks him you pick him because God gave you a gift and use your gift to make this world a better place we must teach our children to be emotion get out of the bubble get out of the palace feel for others pray for others tonight when you go home take your children to the side and ask them to pray for those three young boys who are

missing our children cry for so many silly things like toys and licorice and chocolate when was the last time they took cried for the pain of another we have to teach our children to be emotion that's how we raise children who are compassionate who care you don't have to go traveling just look in your child's classroom how many children sit at home because no one invites them for a pizza for a birthday party open your eyes if God gave you a gift use it to make this world a better place there's so much I want to say and I have my five minute sign okay so I'm going to then leave you with this

as parents as parents we wonder does it really really make a difference we can speak about giving children bedtime schima and giving them Shabbos candles and gentle words as a parent we've changed millions of diapers wiped hundreds of noses thrown thousands of balls made how many lunches nobody gives me an award as mother of the year for that or father of the year is that great what does it mean to be a great parent and this is my final message because I'm leaving you for Cape Town and please remember this with all my heart I spoke to you yesterday about my beautiful father in the very last

days of my father's life my daughter who was then only eight years old said to me Mommy I want to visit Abbas Aida in the hospital and I said to her my bubble of machine D I don't think it's a good idea I was so sick he won't see you he won't hear you it will be very difficult for you and she said please mommy please mommy and so I took my little girl to the hospital with me when we walked into the room all you heard were the pulse of machines my father's eyes were closed he didn't see us he didn't hear us we walked close to the bed and my daughter said mommy would it be okay if I sing for

Abbas Aida sure sweetie I said what would you like to sing and she said to me I'd like to sing Hamal AHA go l the angel who watched over me because mommy every night when Abbas ADA would be over our home he would sing that for me and now I want to sing it for him and so she began to sing this little girl and her voice filled the hospital room and when she was done the room was silent slowly very slowly I saw my father with all his strength raised one hand and I couldn't understand what he was doing and then he raised the other a final applause for a child a great parenting moment to show I

love you I care it will never be in the news it will never be on Yahoo but for this child and for this daughter it is forever here and that's what it means to raise a child with love I thank you so much for listening all English lectures are available online at either brute calm you