פתוח | האם אשאר רווקה לנצח? האם אני באמת ביקרותית? דיון כואב על מגפת הרווקות המאוחרת בדורנו

After this episode, you're getting married. And you won't have anything to share anymore. Let it be so. I was interviewed by Efrat Barzel, and I got my Yeshua. Amazing. Let's begin. Usually in this program, Patuach, Eva, the host, we call her Avigail, but I also call her Eva, decides on a topic, and we talk about it here openly. But this program was born from you, from you, the viewers, the amount of emails that the production received, and also me, personally, about the singles that the years go by, the days are changing, a year passes, and then, the wedding doesn't come. That's what our

program is about today. And thank you for coming. I want to read to you, before I present the guests in our studio here, a passage that one of them wrote. When you want to describe a very successful woman, someone who got married without any obstacles, thanks to her many wonderful qualities, you use the expression, they "grabbed" her. I already had a few friends who were "grabbed". They didn't "grab" me. Hello, Merav Sever, who wrote this passage. Hello, Efrat, it's so nice to be here. It's so nice to have you here. Hello, Yaeli Nuta. It's so nice to have you here. Yes, it's not easy, but I

think it's such an important topic, to overcome everything, and just say what you have to say. So here, to your credit, we got together here. What's the hardest part? Give me the bomb. I just want to say, each one of you, from where she came from, so, Merav Sever, you're a publicist and in Communications, Yaeli works in security, yalla, we're speaking "openly", I happened to rhyme. You're asking me what's the hardest part. And you read the essay I wrote about the "grabbing", and so on, and I say that what's the hardest part for me is when I ask myself, why didn't I stop for a minute? raise my

finger and ask my teacher: "Morah, what happens if it simply doesn't happen?" Morah, What's going on? You're telling us a very, very orderly process. And why doesn't anyone from a class of 40 girls stop and raise their finger and ask the teacher what to do if it doesn't work? That's strong what you're saying. That's something that bothers me. Why didn't I ask then? Then, but now... I didn't ask then, so now with my blood, sweat, and tears, I'm looking for answers. And I find them. You know, in all the paths of life there is some sort of order, right? A girl, young woman, a wedding...and so

on. What happens when things don't work out? I'm interested in knowing, in an open way, what you're doing with yourselves. To deal with the regular things. How is it to live with parents at an adult age? How is it to bring the Shtick to the wedding of this one and that one, to be happy for everyone? Or that you're not going at all. What? To the wedding. Or that you're not going at all. Yes. Because what? Because what can't you take anymore? This nebach woman, this woman you're looking at, when you're going to the wedding. And I have a wedding for example, my nephews each got married. And to

get to the wedding, and here she is, with a mark on her forehead, like Kayin. She's a nebach, so she's also picky. Maybe her life, maybe she has some kind of problem. I'm trying to tell all these people that it doesn't necessarily... It doesn't mean that we have a problem, it's just... This is what G-d decided. This is the situation. And that's how it is. You feel that in society, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh... A lot. There's... She's problematic, she's problematic outside, she's problematic inside. Are there whispers like this around? Of course, I go and ask for forgiveness, like... Randomly,

from people on the street. Excuse me, I'm sorry that... That you already want to put me in a drawer, close it, and forget about me. And it's really hard to see... Like, sometimes I have the feeling that I'm causing so much pain to my parents Apropos, like, being at home. That I'm stuck in their throat, they just want to cough me up. Like, I'm some kind of object, like... That's not clear, there's no place. You know, the place... The place that belongs to you. That belongs to you. To put your feet up on it for a second. It's something that doesn't exist. And that's why there's so much of

these... These difficulties. But... I decided that if in the past... Apropos... The things that you read that I wrote. So if in the past, all the time, I talked and told you what happens in dates. And what it's like to be dissapoiinted. And what happens with friends. And apropos, what you mentioned about the wedding that you went to. And... And you feel like they're saying to her, "soon by you". I decided that... This stage of talking about what hurts... It's correct, and it's important to share. But the time has come... To take a little bit of personal responsibility. It's possible you'll

disagree with me. Because a lot of girls were mad at me for... Writing this column. What is this column? The first column, when you opened the series of Kumi Tz'i. It said, if you don't get married, there's probably something you're not doing right. Wait a second, Kumi Tz'i is a column that you publish every week. "My neighbor" in a magazine. Right. In a magazine. And there you write... About the journey of older singles. Yes, I contacted the host. She really wanted me to write about this topic again. And I told her, I don't want to be... The one who scares everyone to pray for her. "Oh, the

Single". No - and you'll probably agree with me that we're women at the end of the day. Succeeding, causing others to be successful. And we're still so many things apart from being single. Everyone is busy. But what convinced me to write about it. And I told her, I'm willing to write. Only if we take the perspective inwards. That every new column gives advice. How to get out of stuck thinking. Wait a second. You're saying something here. You're talking about this stagnantion. You're already giving the solution. It means, let's see how we get out of it. There's some... I don't know what... In

the air, whispers. Or some specific statements. That are looking for the reason. Right? You certainly feel it. It could be what's happening to you inside. It could be what's happening to you outside. What's the most common? In societal statements? "What you're looking for - there aren't many like that." "You won't find such a thing." This? This. Wow. Like you're looking for some... Something that doesn't exist. Wow. Like... And when I tell them... How do they tell me? "There aren't many like that." I say - I don't need many. I need one. That's what I need. I really stopped getting worked up

by the married and successful women. Who think that they cracked the code. And they'll tell me that I'm picky. So they say I'm picky. Nu, Nu. Like, I have such a rich resume. So I'll add picky. Yes, there's a lot of criticism. But I'll tell you the truth. I think I don't want to focus on it. Because in the end... I want to take care of myself. I want to get married. If I give society's opinion so much weight, I'll get distracted by it... I see it as a woman who writes a lot for women. And I write a lot of women's articles. And a lot of times when they see I'm single... They're like, wait.

What? How do you have anything to say about this? What's your connection with kids? Of course there's a connection. Like a woman is a woman and I'm a woman in every sense of the word. You know? So I'd rather not focus on the discussion and the comments, but try to do and influence. Is there is a certain age from which, I'll give an example from women after birth, but I'll get back to you. There is a certain period after giving birth where they bring you food, and help you, and excuse your behavior and appearance. And then there is a certain week after birth that they start telling you,

listen, maybe you should slim down a bit, Grab a hold of yourself, get it together. And it's very tricky. It's a drastic switch, from one day to the next. Is there a specific age...do you know what I'm asking? Of course. Where you're like, okay, fine, look, it will be fine, take your time, really, consider your options. Is there a certain year when everything turns upside down, and the question becomes, wait a second, is it a wig or a headscarf? Yes, "how old are you". "How old are you". Yes, "how old are you". "How old are you". The question immediately after asking your name is, "how old

are you?". Now, why does it matter to people how old I am? It's a question that is just difficult for us to answer. You know? Why? It's a question that is just difficult for us to answer. You know? Why? Because there are other things that we can talk about with someone for a long time, but why does her age matter to me? Because it's not relevant, the age. What does it have to do with anything? You're right, because a regular woman, no one asks her how old she is. It's not even a question, even in terms of femininity, it's not a legitimate question. What did you want to say? I'm saying, maybe

it's because a woman is dependent on time, but yes, you know, we have a biological clock, and it's very, very, very, very hard. You know, when I wrote my first book, they told me, "you're a baby." "Like, how old are you, 25?" Why are you writing about things like that? It's not supposed to affect you. How old are you today? 28. And you? 29. Side Note - credit for Jojo that I didn't ask. Right? But here I asked. It's really not that interesting, but here I asked. And if there's something that bothers me, with all due respect to the fact that I say that I work on myself and write for women and

give strength, if there's one thing that I really don't have an answer to, and I don't know how to deal with it, I have no idea, and I say, Hashem, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know. It's like, it's something that suddenly all my business is on the side, and I have no answer to that. It's becoming old. It's like, it's something that suddenly all my business is on the side, and I have no answer to that. It's becoming old. It's just some kind of sealed fate, that I don't know, that you've missed the train, that you're suddenly not in your 20's anymore, that you belong to some kind

of something that needs to be given second opinions, that motherhood - suddenly everyone looks at you as a woman who might not have been concerned. About her ability to give birth. that motherhood - suddenly everyone looks at you as a woman who might not have been concerned. About her ability to give birth. You want to be a mother. And all the time, the conversation is, you're dealing with things that are trivial and not important, what did this guy tell you? He gave a no. He did want you, he didn't want you. You're picky. And suddenly, when you're getting older, you're dealing with weighty

questions like, I want to be a mother. So what do you do with this? And how do you deal with it anyway? It's really... Are you busy with it? Of course. Do you work on it? Not yet, but it's in my head. I wrote a full article about it. Many people sent me feedback, after I published the article. And I sent it to them in a private way, because I think it's crucial to raise awareness about it. If you reach a certain age where you're getting older, it hurts, it's hard, but let's take responsibility. Because at the end of the day, no one will be there to, at the end of the day, guide you through

the process. It's just you and your close friends. And just with all the pain and difficulty, let's look this in the eye, and say, yes, how are we ensuriing that in the end we will also be mothers. Because you're talking now about the topic of the parent-mother relationship, but before that, let's talk about loneliness. Let's talk a little about this place of a room in the parents' home, as Virginia Wolf said, "Every woman needs a room of her own." But let's talk about going to bed one night and another night alone. It's not easy. Our parents are not young anymore. They married off children,

they married off grandchildren. They really feel it. And, come on, let's take the next step, it's time to leave the house, it's always this thought of, how do I deal with this? Two issues that bother me, because I encounter this all the time. Let's talk about skipping. Skipping. Skipping of younger sisters, who are actually either stuck waiting for the older siblings who are not getting married, or to be in the opposite situation. I mean, what do you say about this topic? Do you understand what I'm asking? Yes. I have a sister above me who is also... I think we've both experienced this.

Right. What, what, explain. I have a sister above me who is also still single. I didn't really start dating at the age of 18, 19. Because there was always this, I have a sister above me. If I skip her What does that mean? Later, the nieces and nephews got married. So, in general, those little children... That you married off? Yes. And suddenly they get married? Like, what's going on here? Wow. Tell me, there is... Well, every home has its own proximity and distance, but there is this situation where it is clear that the older sister needs to get married before me, and then the years go by and

it doesn't happen. There are houses where this attitude has already shifted. There is what the logic dictates, and I went then, when I was very young, there were three above me who didn't get married, and I went to Rabbanit Kanievsky, and she said to me, of course you can get married, and of course, and the younger one will open the door for the older one, so there is the logic, and there is the Halacha, which says, of course, do it. And then you go home, and then you meet someone, and you almost get engaged, and you see how your sister's heart really breaks. And you see how difficult it is.

And it's not easy. And when they skipped me, even though it was a brother, on the one hand, I said to them, Mazel Tov from the bottom of my heart, but I'm not embarrassed to say that I had these five minutes, when I was in the room with myself, I really cried, and I wasn't embarrassed about it, because you feel like they gave up on you, they moved on. Now, is that true? No. Does everyone get what is designated for them? Yes, of course. But in the end, you don't have to ignore the emotion and the pain, you can embrace the pain, you can be immersed in, in the moment of, okay, there's another

person here who succeeded and did it before me, and I'll tell you more than that. Married couples, if you're listening to us now, listen, listen, listen, you know, you come to us at home, and I've heard it a lot, it's very easy to forget, there's a woman sitting here, the moment you don't have a head cover on your head, you're still automatically relegated to some young kid, a little girl, and so on. And it's something that we need to rid ourselves of, and I'm trying so hard to raise awareness, you're a woman, in every sense of the word, you have something to say, and you say it, you don't

suddenly get a ton of wisdom once you put another object on your head, and when married couples, we're talking about young people, really, a 20-year-old girl, can come to you, and they have their conversations, and their meetings, and I say, listen, and what are you telling us? Because they got married, they have more life experiences, what do we know, what do we understand? I say, listen, tread carefully. We have something to say, we have an opinion, and that's not... I mean, of course. Talk to me for a second, I'm really interested, "Dating Apathy", an idea that just came to me, meaning,

the years pass, and you meet with someone else, does the selection dwindle? that's the first question, well, from there, you're already sitting on the date, and, honestly who has the patience? You're laughing. To go back to the same recording again, and again. Exactly, let's talk about this. I said, maybe I'll record myself and I'll just play it each time. Press Play! I live here, I do this, how many children... Look, they're much more tired than us. Oh, they're more tired? Yes. I put the apathy blame on the girls, but... But... Oh, they're like...let's get it over with? So let's go, let's

get it over with, another night, no big deal. Wow. It's like talking to a tired, tired, worn out man. And it's like he's walking in the desert. Wow, listen to me, there's a crazy gap between what I do in my life. At work. And I'm talking to customers, and I'm going out and so on, and then I arrive and I suddenly go back to... I don't know, and I say, like, what, how do I make him become excited? So there's a very big dissonance here. Because you're going and developing in very important years. You don't have kids on your head and you don't have a home on your head. You can develop yourself

personally, big time. Right. And suddenly, again. On the date, you're sitting and... Going back to this place. Yes. Of, let's talk. Yes. Do you know after a minute of a date, yes or no? Yes. A minute? Sometimes, not a minute, but yes. No, I give a lot of chances. Yes? Kol HaKavod. I sit and listen and... What are you looking for with your vast experience? To feel good. Yes? Just to feel good. One of the things I really ask for in my column is not to give up during a date. Yael, you know, I think about accomanying a little sister who is getting married, as you mentioned earlier. A niece. Do

you remember that? It wasn't easy. I have three married nephews and a niece. Yes. A niece was harder because we are very connected. Wow, come on. It's really the next generation. Yes. They also have children and it's not easy. And to arrive at the wedding, and everyone is like, they're looking at me. And she also told me, you know, it wasn't pleasant for me to tell you that I'm getting engaged because it's like I'm skipping you. I said, everything is fine. You're not taking anything away from me here. I'm not taking anything from you. But it wasn't easy. Wow. It's a moment where I'm by myself

and I say, Hashem give me strength because I don't know what's going on. I want to read to you something that someone single wrote to me. Let's discuss it, okay? So she writes to me like this. To see single women, crushed, left aside, how they turn from a young flower that just wants to bloom, to grow, to blossom and to flourish, to develop into a fruit-bearing tree, to become a dry, rotting, cold and angry plant. I really don't agree with this. Someone single wrote this to you? A single person. I don't agree with this. I don't agree with this at all. No, she wrote her feelings. We don't

argue with feelings. Yes, it's true. It's her personal feeling. It's a feeling that she went up to some peak, like what I read. If she feels like that only with respect to the emptiness and lack of singlehood, that's fine. There is permission. I give it all the space. But that's the problem. I'm not only single. Hi, my name is Merav. And I am many other things. And in the place of singlehood, sure. So it's hard for me and it hurts and it's lonely. And I'm at such an age that anyone else already has her home and her place. But it's forbidden for it to overshadow everything else. Do you know

how difficult it is for a married woman? What's the connection? Like a woman with ten children, consider what she is dealing with. We're always dealing with things. No one ever completely avoids dealing with things. But I do want to say that... It suddenly occurred to me now. We have to update a version, in my opinion, of our dreams. Take three things. That are most important to you. That you are not willing to budge from them. Let's say, Yiras Shamayim. The quality of the young man. Good manners. And even if it's not like the image that you pictured. And I say this mostly for myself. It's

fine. You're saying something here. Let's change our dreams. Or even our prayers. The wrapping of the dream. Just the wrapping. Because the foundation needs to remain the foundation. To remain the foundation. Yes. So, I don't know. Maybe because... I want to express it in a softer way. I mean, I hear about single women who age getting older. And then they say to me, with such anguish, I've already given up on this. And what? And I gave up on this. And I compromised on this. Maybe we need to refine... You're in a different place. You're getting me. Yael, you're understanding me. I see. Maybe

we need to sharpen our minds. And... No, you didn't give up. Your needs... Exactly. Changed. I'm in a different age. I also... I had a potential Shidduch. I also... I had a potential Shidduch. I said... I'll ask Rabbi Diamant. I called him and said to him what can a girl my age - What can she be compromise on? They're always telling me to compromise. What does it mean practically? So he said to me don 't compromise on character traits. Don't give up on Yiras Shamayim. Don't give up on the foundational things. But the external things. Where to live. Age. Work. But the basic thing is what the

person is looking for. What his character is like. How he built himself. It doesn't matter the age. It can be a person who is 21, it can be someone who is 30 If she worked on herself. She worked on her Middos. Why should she now take someone who is not on her level? So what she's working on - That's what she should look for. 100%. When they say to compromise, sometimes they expect that... Because of the "famine". You'll take everything you see on the shelf. The main thing is to get married. Don't go to the store when you're hungry. And at the end of the day, people will pay high prices.

Because of that pressure. No. I agree with what you're saying. We've developed so much, we've worked so much on ourselves personally. Ultimately, you need a friend for life. At some point, you have to look at yourself... 5 years from now, at the Shabbos table... Are you good? Are you happy? Are things pleasant for you? There are so many obstacles that we establish for ourselves. External obstacles. That we can give up on in a second. Nothing will happen. Well, let's talk about... Couples that you are familiar with. That got married at an older age. OK. You, you... Well, you probably know...

one from the other, but do you feel that this is a different relationship, yes Yael. It's different, it's all about how they look at life, how they build the connection. It's not like the little kids who, it seems that they just, put on a wig, and that's it. It's the level, it's the values, it's the broad view of the world. It's just, I can see it from afar, who they are like this and who are like that. That's it, that's what interested me. Not everything is guaranteed. Life isn't taken for granted, you have to be grateful. For children, for the fact that they wake me up...it's part of life.

Someone once told me that since the journey is so long, then they just appreciate it much more. Yes. Like any other thing which was out of reach. Let's talk about friends who go and essentially disappear, because they get married, Their circumstances change - does it hurt suddenly, or do you understand that she's busy? There are other friends? From work, yes. What? Life changes. On the contrary, I have a married friend who, when she got married, I needed her, and she wasn't there. And today, when she returns, I don't know have anything to talk with her about, sorry if it sounds bad, but

again, I really believe in the progression of life. I have a lot of friends from work. I have a lot of younger friends like, really, a lot, again, from work, and we go out and go on trips. That is, it seems to me that someone who wants friends, she has, someone who is interested, but it doesn't have to be the same people. You know, we passed the ball, continue to pass it. Dynamics. And every time a friend, like, is removed from your situation. No, she isn't removed. I have married friends. That you are still a friend of theirs? Yes. Anyone who wants to be a friend, she knows how to find

common topics of conversation. And do you still feel that the conversations with them are at the same level, same perspective? That is, she will tell you about her marriage, and she will cry with you, Or be happy with you, as she would do with another married friend? Or do you feel like an underdog? I have never been married, and I have never been part of her conversations with someone who is married, so I don't know how to answer that. But whoever I wasn't close enough with, or I didn't feel on the same level, or the same value, Naturally, she would fall out of my life. Why do they always

portray us as the lonely ones who are are left to the wayside? Maybe I'm filtering out those who don't suit me, or choosing what interests me in life? We are not desperate, subject to rejection, people do things to us, and leave us. At least that's how I see it. I would also like to ask you about Corona. Do you agree? Yes. What? Because there are things that... It doesn't mean that someone who is married is happier than I am. That is, there is... It's just that the fact that I'm single - I also have a life beyond that. I go out, I enjoy, I... Okay, among other things, I also have this thing.

This isn't just "among other things", it is hard, it affects our entire life. Right, right, it is hard. As time goes by, and the clock is ticking. The question is how we accept to it. There is no choice. There is no choice but to accept it. Because it's already hard. So what? We should fall and dwell in this? It's dangerous. Really. To fall into it. It's not good to fall into depression. And also, a lot of friends, someone who said to me, I want to get married, and really... Listen, the depression is here, and the... It's not going to help. Fear never gets you anywhere. It's actually not

something that now, if you dwell in it, okay, then the solution will come quickly. So if you're already in this situation, then at least enjoy it. There's nothing to do. Because sitting in depression is not... It's easy to say, but really, as long as you understand the importance of responsibility, that you have to make yourself happy, and the importance of responsibility for the fact that you need to invest in yourself, because it's very easy to fall into depression, and to fall into... To wrap yourself in a blanket of self-pity. But when you understand how much power there is for you to

dress nicely and go out, and you have no idea who is looking and who sees. Despite the fact that you have no energy, you don't have patience for another suggestion, and your soul can be there in the lowest place, but there's no choice. But to get dressed again, to go out again, to smile again. Like, if you start to go and stay in the place where, as she wrote there, the words are very, very hard... You had a hard time with it, huh? Very. So maybe one day it can Chas V'Shalom become reality. Mm-hmm. Tell me, do you make jokes about this? Gallows humor? About what? Shidduchim? Of course. How

did we get to this point? And there's... We'll come with the cane. Yes, come with the cane, and our bones will be rattling... Yes. I even wrote about it. That I'll have a "Chessed Wedding". And it's funny when I say...they'll come to make me happy, and I have anxiety dreams about it. Yes, black humor is a very, very good thing. Like... Yes, always, right? Yes, I tweet a lot about things that happen to me on dates. You know, people also embrace it and laugh with you. And then, you know, humor turns it into a place of power. Well, let's... let's finish optimistically. Come on? Come on. So give

me, give me something that makes me happy. Something that you see in your imagination, or that you don't anymore. Yes. Yes - What? Tell me. I mean, it's something that is there all the time. I see... Even what kind of dress will I have... Things... Yes, you have to be there with optimism. Because, as I said earlier, we create it. If we think positively, it somehow... It also keeps me alive. And also... With Hashem's help, it will happen. How fun. Of course it will happen. Of course it will happen. What? Of course. We would have to make a program about it. Of course. I mean, there are two ways

to end. The first thing we need is, first and foremost, to turn outward, and it's written about Macas Choshech "Man did not see his brother" And I do think that people should leave their four walls for a second, and to know that there is a very great pain here, and there is a great destruction here, and there is something here that you should pay attention to. and simply go outside. And who knows? Maybe if we will also worry about people who need our help, even in prayer. There will be a little less darkness here in the place that we're living. A little less darkness. A little less dark if we

just look at each other. And I say to us I need to take an internal responsibility to see what I can do, because you can't marry yourself off, just bring a Chuppah and take someone and marry him, right? And you can't fall into fear and hatred and darkness because it doesn't bring you anything. So I say it's easy to say, but it gives me so much at least, and to people who read and do, to take the responsibility and see what you can improve, what you can add, where you can fix, if it's in your approach to dating, if it's in your mentality, if it's how you meet someone. There is something to do

along the way, not just to be sad. Do you want to say something to him? I'm sure he's watching now, after the broadcast he'll call, ask to be introduced to you. What do you want to tell him? That wow, it took a lot of time, but it was worth it, it was worth it. Thank you very much, dears, it took a lot of time, but it was worth it. Thank you for raising your hand, thank you for speaking with the most open heart, and come on, the wedding, you'll invite us? With the help of Hashem. We will not remain, not isolated and not alone, I really mean it. Pick up the phone, call the Hidabroot

organization, Nafshi B'Sheailasi. Talk about your issues. Grooms, Brides, mix and match. See you soon. Let's talk about the power within us. Power like how we imagine it, as a bubble of latent energy. Energy called hope. Hope is a type of emotion, people are studying it. There's a thing called the Research of Hope. Every treatment, every doctor's visit, every new start of the day is with this beginning of this emotion, the power of hope. In general, it is good to know about our emotions, where they begin, where sometimes they end, the opposite of hope, where there is a sign that a new

beginning begins, for emotions there are times. There are feelings sometimes, for example, there are feelings that are feelings of the past, like disappointment, there are feelings that are feelings of the future, fear, fear is a feeling, we are always afraid of the future, we are not afraid of the past. For emotions there is a time, there is one Jewish word, of two letters, a holy word, a high word, the word "Az". "Then Moshe will sing this song", we say it every day in prayer. "Then" is a word that that has no time, it is above time. You can say it about the past, "then when we were

little", but you can also say it about the future, "so tomorrow, so we'll go there", it's right here and there. In general, in the Siddur, it always appears bigger, here, for example here. So to know, to know more about our emotions. These hopes, were right for us in the past. These hopes we need for the future. Because sometimes hope can already be broken. We lose. It loses power within us. It's not just that we are a people of hope, a Jewish soul. To know what hopes we now need. Who helps us create them? Where can we get them? To know a lot of information about our emotions. Past, future, and what now?